The Ultimate Weapon
by Crimson-Hybrid
Summary: The Ultimate Weapon that can bring down a SOLDIER and make him scream like a girl. Oh, the horror.


**Author's Note:** This story was originally mine, but, due to some problems with my friend's USB, she accidentally published this as hers. XD

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these great characters, Square Enix does. Story belongs to me, though.

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**The Ultimate Weapon**

It was a relaxingly beautiful, sunny day in Midgar, especially at Shinra Company, the highest building around, with no other buildings to cover it from the sunlight. In its uppermost floor, the three top SOLDIERS, namely Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis, were quietly having conversation and drinking tea when all of a sudden—

"YAaAaAaAaGH!!!"

The raven-haired Angeal had sputtered his tea at the sudden outburst and at what he saw, almost drenching an also surprised Sephiroth whom he missed by inches.

The door had burst open to reveal a very terrified, very pale, and very panicking Zack Fair.

"Fair?" Genesis called out as he dodged Angeal's abrupt fountain of brown liquid. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked, looking at the young man in front of them who somehow looked like he was dancing an awfully weird and outlandish dance.

"GETITOFF!!!" The young man flailed around awkwardly, leaving the three SOLDIERs gawking at him. He looked like all the blood in him was drained away, and his eyes seemed like they were about to pop from their sockets in terror.

"Get what off, Zack?" Angeal asked, his face a mix of concern and badly suppressed hilarity for his friend and apprentice. Zack flailed and pranced about again, this time, adding a few springy steps and jerky jumps before he replied, repeatedly pointing at his waist. "I-I-It-It's a lar-l-large…" he began, but abruptly stopped mid-sentence and stiffened. " GAH! NO! Don't gO TH-TH- -NOOOOO!!!" he yelled, cupping his own crotch to prevent whatever it was that was up and about inside his clothes from entering the area, eliciting a raised eyebrow from each high-class SOLDIER.

Silvery-white hair swished as Sephiroth shifted in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "1st Class Fair, if you came here only to show us how perverted you are, you may leave now; we have already seen enough of your idiocy; yes, it has disturbed us, and I assure you that it will mentally scar us for life, if that's what you wanted to hear; or to happen, for that matter." He stated seriously, making Zack shake his head in slight annoyance as he continued to thrash about while still holding his crotch. Genesis poured himself another cup of tea, saying, "I don't think that's the problem, Seph." "I know that, Genesis. Stop telling me what I--"

"AAAAAAAAHHH!!! GETITOFFA ME!!!"

All three men turned to see the young SOLDIER now cupping both his crotch and his butt. The highest, Sephiroth, did something completely unexpected of him: he acquainted his palm with his face. "Angeal, do something about your student…" he muttered wearily, still in the same problematic stance. "Nah, let him be," Genesis chuckled, "We get to laugh at—oof!" he stopped in mid-sentence, thanks to a hard elbow on his stomach, courtesy of Sephiroth who had his head lowered in annoyance, grumbling, "Shut. Up. Genesis." Angeal just shook his head in mirth. "If I were you, Seph," he said, talking to the SOLDIER who was currently glaring at the brunette beside him, "I'd seal his mouth--"

"AAAAAAAAAAHH!!!"

"-- with packaging tape," he continued as he stood up to do what he was told, "Unless you want to run him through with Masamune." "Point taken..." Genesis wheezed jokingly, now fully recovered from Sephiroth's strike as he watched Zack thrash about.

The young SOLDIER had already removed his hands from his lower parts and was now frantically reaching for his back as he saw his mentor nearing him. He wasted no time in asking for help. "A-A-ANGEAL! H-H-HELP ME!!!" he hollered as he did another 'crazy dance step', as Genesis called it, making said brunette SOLDIER chortle, much to the annoyance of the one beside him who was ready to summon his loyal katana.

Reaching Zack, Angeal had to stifle a laugh before asking his student what was wrong. Zack wriggled about while pointing at his back, making Genesis fall from the sofa and roll on the floor guffawing, apparently killing him from lack of oxygen as Sephiroth smirked victoriously in his seat. As the brunette suffocated himself and Sephiroth basked at the 'golden sparkles of glorious triumph' that surrounded him, Angeal spotted a moving appendage underneath the rear collar of Zack's turtle-necked uniform. Wasting no time, he made a grab for it and swiftly pulled it out of the poor boy's shirt, revealing a relatively big spider with a body slightly larger than a bottle cap.

Sephiroth's eyes widened at the revelation. "You were frantically prancing about like a prissy because of a SPIDER!?" he half-yelled, the 'sparkles of glorious triumph' disappearing as his basking ended. Genesis' seemingly lifeless body raised its head from its face-flat position on the floor. "Say WHAT, now?" he asked, making sure that what he heard was right, "a SPIDER?!" Angeal nodded, returning to his seat. "Yup. Here, catch." He said, practically tossing the arachnid on his friend's face, who was now laughing once again. The brunette caught the insect in his hands before it landed in his mouth and examined it, trying to stifle his laughs while doing so. "Ha, I'm speechless Angeal," he began, tossing the spider back at the aforementioned SOLDIER, "Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st Class, submitted and was taken down by a spider." he laughed, looking at Zack as the young 1st Class cautiously took a seat beside his mentor, his cheeks a light shade of red. Angeal merely smiled and shrugged, speechless at the moment.

Silence dominated for a few seconds before a faint chuckle was heard. Everyone looked at the silver-haired SOLDIER as the chuckles became louder. A few moments later, Sephiroth threw his head back, laughing hysterically as he pointed at the insect in Angeal's fingers all the while clutching his sides. "Aha-ha-ha-ha! A…A… A sp-spider…! Aha-ha-ha!" Sephiroth stuttered in between laughs, unable to formulate a proper sentence as he fell to the floor, rolling with laughter and grasping his sides while he hammered the carpet with his fist. A few more seconds and he eventually died of suffocation.

Angeal and Genesis only looked at Sephiroth's lifeless body and shrugged as Genesis commented,

"You know Angeal, I can't help but think, how such a small insect produce such strange results."

"Who knows Genesis, this thing might **just** be the Ultimate Weapon against us SOLDIERs."

"Yeah… Wait, WHAT?"

**Author's Note:** Aww, poor Zacky… *hugs* Anyway, this is another one of my attempts at humor. Hope it's funny enough to even produce giggles from the readers… Please review and tell me what you think! Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading! This is Crimson Hybrid, over and out. :)


End file.
